There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
