sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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