You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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