I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
