did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
