I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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