I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
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Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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