i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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