Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
