You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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