Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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