Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
