2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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