I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
operation harelip BJ is a go
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
