You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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