I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
