My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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