Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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