You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
