I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
