I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
