i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
