the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
