there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
