Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
