so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
