she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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