My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
