SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
