i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
