i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
