Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
