He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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