we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
