She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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