If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
