Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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