I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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