I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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