I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
