well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
