she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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