There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
