I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
