I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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