Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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