Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
