I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
