Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
