Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
