Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
