No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
