Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
