If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
