I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
