I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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