somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
